Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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