Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
