Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Send help, water and tortillas.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
