Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
