dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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