Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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