My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
