Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
