The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
