M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
