I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My ass is underappreciated
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
