i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
