your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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