I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
