i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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