the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
