yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
