My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
