i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
