she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Randomize
