she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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