I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
