this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
