The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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