Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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