he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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