I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
