You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
