I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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