I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
