You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
