It's Friday. Sex?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
