I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
