I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
