I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
