I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
