I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
