I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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