you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
