i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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