You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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