Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
