I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
