Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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