She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
