the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
