It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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