he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
