I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
