I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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